The Notebook
by StephanieIrvine
Summary: There's a notebook on his table and it's holding words that burn.


**A/N: Just a oneshot I found lying around my computer. Hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything, excpet the words and idea.**

**The Notebook.**

There was a notebook on his table, he filled it with nonsense more often than not, but if you really took the time to read through it, really understand it…well, then you'd find those entries that were scattered throughout his notebook. Entries that weren't so much nonsense, but more whispers of a secret he didn't dare tell or relive.

Whispers like:

"_It was late the first night, I remember the moonlight filtering through the window and how the streets below were silent."_

"_Looking back now I never saw an ending…I guess I never looked hard enough." _

"_It flared with this unyielding passion, but like passion it soared out of control and came crashing to earth."_

He would have ripped those pages from that notebook and never looked upon them ever again, had he had the willpower to let his eyes rest on those scribbles for a scarce moment, but he was a hollow man now and the energy to do so had left him long ago.

It mocked him, taunted and stabbed him with those words written in happier times, happier times where maybe he had, had a chance at perfect. But he had lost that in the hours before he wrote that final inscription on the stark white paper of his notebook, the ink from his pen running, staining the paper like his heart now was. After all, writing _'The End.'_ was never meant to jolt the heart back to life.

"_Words. Stupid, unforgivable words. Take it back, rephrase, apologise. Speak. Silence. Darkness."_

He looked back on it now as the turning point. The point where everything went south; where good went bad and happy was never felt because of sad. It was where the road that was less travelled was chosen, but they refrained from telling you that, that road was paved with jagged rocks that tore through his skin and cut him deep and there were hushed words of hate that ricocheted off him like bullets from a gun.

He didn't like to be seen as weak, but heaven help him he was at this moment and had been from the moment since that god awful day. He wasn't weak in the sense he cried and curled himself into a ball and shut the rest of the world out. No, that was pathetic.

He was weak in the sense that he closed down and created a façade that let no one in, that left him emotionally detached.

"_What does it matter? Life will carry on and I'll be all the better for it." _

Only he hadn't, he could admit that now. He was scarcely living, it was more a routine than a life to be honest. But could you blame him? He'd lost her. He hated thinking that he was reduced to this by a woman, but her touch brought him to life and he hadn't felt her fingertips on him in months. He craved her but could no longer have her.

He closed his eyes and remembered. He saw her hand on the door and he saw himself open his mouth and speak words that would make her stay, but the room remained silent no matter how much he screamed and before he knew it she was gone and he was left alone once again with the darkness enclosing him. He ripped his eyes open, not daring to relive that moment once again, not when he'd have to repeat the same memory over and over again while he slept tonight.

He should have gone after her, but he had shut his heart off, it hurt too much – it caused his face to twist in pain and he was afraid if he let himself feel one more time that his heart would shatter like glass, he was positive it would.

He felt a jolt to his shoulder and when he looked up he was startled to find that he had made it to the hotel and here he was in the middle of a busy reception area. How had he got here? He knew he was functioning mostly on autopilot, but to have spaced out so much that he couldn't even remember getting from the arena to his hotel? He really needed to get his head together, but the noise was too much, too loud, he needed silence.

Masterfully he made his way through the crowd and into the inner sanctuary of the elevator. The noise faded to a dull roar as the doors slid shut and he shut his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief as he felt the elevator start and begin his journey upwards. A few more floors and he would be safely in the realms of his hotel room.

"_It's always when the unexpected happens, when you feel your heart race."_

It ground to a halt, its first stop off and he opened his eyes to see a middle-aged man get on talking on his cell phone and Chris gritted his teeth in annoyance, this was not the silence he wanted and the last thing he needed was to lose his temper. He let out a heavy breathe as the doors opened and the man stepped out and his eyes followed every movement of the heavy doors as they once again slid shut, or tried too, they would have, had a hand not slipped through the middle of them at the last moment, causing them to spring back open. Chris was pretty sure there was something cosmic up there that wanted him to suffer and he was almost positive of that as the owner of the hand stepped fully through the doors.

He gasped.

She looked up, her eyes widened and her gasp followed.

"Stephanie."

He couldn't breathe and he was pretty sure he was seconds away from hyperventilating. Months he had managed to avoid her, _months_ and because of a stupid elevator ride he had to be in a confined space with her? Oh God, he couldn't run away from her. Panic shot through him, he couldn't take this, he couldn't stand here with her for the remainder of this ride and not crumble before her.

"Chris." She whispered his name, so softly that he was sure that he had imagined it.

He grit his teeth, bit down on his lip until he could taste the copper of his own blood, he had to resist her, for the rest of his life he _had_ to resist her. "I-I…" he stuttered, he had nothing to say, due to the fact that he couldn't think.

Silence once again, only he didn't want it this time, but as Stephanie gave a sigh, she lowered her gaze from his, and turned her back to him and there was no other choice. All he could hear was the grinding of the elevator cables and if he closed his eyes and listened closely he could hear her breathe. Unconsciously he stepped forward and licked his lips. He was so tired of this, he thought to himself as he ran a tired hand down over his face. How could he be so close to her and have nothing to say? He breathed in deeply and in that instant realized his mistake. She assaulted all his senses and he felt alive again. Taking another step forward he stood almost flush against Stephanie and snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her against him. He almost cried in relief as he felt her relax into him, but he was too busy reaching out to the side with his other arm and blindly hitting the stop button for the elevator.

They stood there a few moments longer and Chris revelled in the feel of Stephanie in his arms once again. "I miss you." He whispered brokenly.

"You let me walk away." Stephanie replied just as brokenly.

"I didn't want to, I just didn't have the right words to make you stop." Chris told her dejectedly.

"All you had to do was reach out and take my hand."

Closing his eyes, Chris cursed himself inwardly, he had wanted to grab Stephanie's hand in his and just make her stay and just have it be the two of them, but he had stupidly let her slip from his grasp and ended up alone. "Can I still reach out?" he wondered, his voice breaking slightly, afraid all hope was lost.

"No one else ever had a chance." Stephanie whispered.

Chris smiled then, it spread across his face and it felt foreign and it was then he realized that he hadn't smiled since he last held Stephanie in his arms. "Mine." He whispered forcefully, trailing his free hand down Stephanie's side and along her arm until he reached her side where he grasped her hand in his. Lifting it, he brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it softly, before dropping it and pulling her hair back with his fee hand. He leaned in close and whispered her name once again before dipping his head and kissing her neck.

He heard Stephanie moan out his name and he pulled her tighter against him, he needed this, he needed her. Turning her around in his arm, he kissed along her jaw line as he backed her up against the wall and then pulled away. Looking down at her with lust filled eyes, he waited for Stephanie to look up at him and when she did, Chris smiled gently down at her, before leaning forward and kissing her soundly. He nipped at her bottom lip and a second later they were battling for dominance, neither willing to give up.

He let his hand trail down Stephanie's side until he reached the hem of her shirt and lifted it slightly. Teasingly he let his fingers graze slightly over her stomach and he marvelled as he felt her muscles flex under his touch. He reached up higher until he skimmed the bottom of her bra and as a result to such a simple action, he was rewarded with a moan.

Pulling back again Chris moved from kissing Stephanie, to kissing her neck once again, and as he moved up and nipped the spot behind her ear, he was rewarded with Stephanie taking in a shaky breath. He remembered everything and apparently so did she as her fingers lazily stroked the back of his neck, instantly causing another part of him to stir.

He felt her wrap a leg around him and start to grind against him and he couldn't help but smile into the crook of her neck, she never was very patient. He groaned moments later as he felt her hands run up and down his chest and the impatiently attempt to open the buttons on his shirt. Once Stephanie had finally managed to fully open his shirt, she lay her hands flat on his chest and sighed happily as she felt his heartbeat thump under her palm. Her hands then slid upwards and onto Chris's shoulders, pulling him towards her.

The elevator was just an echo of names and pants as they carried on, and as the seconds ticked on the more they lost themselves in each other. Chris opened his eyes as they moved together, and he couldn't help but watched Stephanie moan with him, with her eyes closed, gasping every now and then, it was a memory he could never forget. The closer they got to reaching the peak the more he wanted her staring back at him.

"Steph," he gasped, shuddering as Stephanie's hand ran down his spine. "Steph," he gasped again. "Look at me." He begged and he watched as Stephanie fought to open her eyes.

"Chris," she gasped back, desperately needing him. "More." She ground out restlessly. "I need you."

Minutes later they rested against each other, out of breathe and exhausted. Chris's head rested against Stephanie's forehead and he lazily stole a kiss even now and then. "I love you." He whispered. "I let you walk away, but I'm done with that, I need you. I'm tired of trying to exist without you."

Reaching up a hand Stephanie let her fingers trail through his hair. "You don't need to anymore." She told his, leaning forward and capturing his lips. "I love you too."

"Come home with me tonight."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

It was months later when he found that notebook again, he had lost it in all the confusion and packing. Stephanie had found it when she was putting all their books on the one bookshelf and he had looked at it for a moment trying to recall what it was and then it had dawned on him, and he had spent the next two hours going through it, remembering all those dark times.

Stephanie had come to find him, jokingly accusing him of hiding so he didn't have to help unpack and he had smiled and pulled her to him and sat her on his knee and told her about the notebook and afterwards she had looked at him with a sad smile. But he had smiled and told her to read the last inscription he had made mere minutes before she had found him and as she leaned back against him, grasping Chris's hand in her and resting it on her growing stomach, she read:

"_Our future is like the starts, unknown and everlasting."_

**End**


End file.
